The Letter
by CaptainOats12
Summary: Remus Lupin recieves a letter from Sirius, the day before he is due to go to azkaban, that turns his life upsidedown. RemusSirius SLASH
1. A Heart Breaking Moment

**A/N READ THIS!!! Firstly I have to say that before you read this you should know that I based my letter from Sirius strongly around Callum's letter to Sephy in Malorie Blackman's 'Knife Edge'. If you haven't it is an extremely good book and it is the sequel to 'Noughts and Crosses'. However, I have not copied it completely word-to-word. I have used some of the same sentences but most of it is my own sentences and I have altered some of hers to fit in with Remus and Sirius' story. Please don't hate me for doing this it's just I'm not a good enough writer to write a powerful enough letter and I needed the help of an excellent writer to base it around. Thanks, that's all. xxx**

**The Letter**

I felt the large bird land on my shoulder and drop the letter onto my lap. It nipped my ear affectionately and, not looking up at it, I gave it an owl treat from a bag near me. It flew off satisfied. I held my head in my hands. My eyes were red from crying and my head was pounding from lack of sleep. I was so alone and I couldn't stand one minute of it. Because ever time I shut my eyes I saw his grinning face looking back at me. And each time I wanted to scream at him YOU BASTARD! But I couldn't. Because I would never scream at my Sirius like that. I loved him too much. That was my problem.

I took a hand away from my face to reach down and pick up the letter. My heart leapt to my throat as I stared at the all-too-recognizable extravagant handwriting. Sirius Black. I pondered whether I should open it. What would he have to say to me now, that I didn't already know? Apart from that he's sorry and that he's innocent. But I don't believe either of those so what's the point? But curiosity got the got the better of me and with trembling fingers I ripped the envelope and pulled out the letter.

_Dear Remus,_

_The first thing I want to tell you is that however much you detest me right now, I am innocent. I did not betray James and Lily to You-Know-Who (I am not allowed to use his real name, the Ministry of Magic forbids me) and I did not kill Pettigrew. I am not allowed to tell you anything else on the matter of my case because someone from the Ministry of Magic is going to read this before I can send it to you. They told me that if I said anything to anyone who is not in the Ministry, that I will get the kiss from the dementors. _

_However, the main reason I am writing to you is because I want you to know the way things really are. I don't want you to spend the rest of your life believing a lie._

_I don't love you. I never did. I felt sorry for you, that is the only reason. You were depressed because you were a werewolf and I had nothing better to do, so I pretended to love you. And it was fun._

_You should have seen yourself, lapping up every word of the nonsense I spouted about loving you and living only for you and being to scared to tell for fear that you didn't feel the same way. I don't know how I stopped myself from laughing out loud as you bought all that rubbish. As if I could love someone like you - a gay werewolf and, worse than that, a half-blood. _

_Even thinking about it now makes me feel sick. I despised you all. James Potter, thinking he was SO amazing with the ego the size of a house. I can't believe Evans actually fell for him. I was starting to like her, but she was just like the rest of you, oblivious to anything but your 'love' for one another. I detested the way he went on and on about her. SHE'S JUST A FUCKING GIRL, I felt like shouting all the bloody time. And don't get me started on Pettigrew. That fat idiot. He was a waste of space in my opinion, following every thing James and I did or said. Sometimes I just wanted to kill him. And then you. I loathe the very though of you and now when I think of all the things we did together, I feel physically sick. To think I actually kissed you, touched you licked you. You never wondered why I always stopped before we went all the way, saying 'I don't want to take advantage of you,' or 'I'm not ready!' I can't bear to think how disgusted I would feel if we actually had sex. Did you really believe that I could love you? I told you that I loved how you were quiet and geeky and lonely. But I loathed it and everything else about you. You're probably asking yourself why I was friends with you all if I hated you so much. That stupid hat didn't put me in Slytherin but in Gryffindor instead! You were the only boys willing to be my friend and seeing as I couldn't see any other way around it apart from being friendless, I took your friendship. And that's the truth, although I hated every minute of being with you._

_I can imagine your face now as you read this and at least that gives me comfort before I have to spend my life rotting away in Azkaban. Once you've read this no doubt you'll hate me just as much as I hate you. You're probably so conceited that you're telling yourself what I'm saying in this letter isn't true. That I'm only saying this so you'll move on with your life, but I never for a second doubted that you'd do that anyway._

_Forget about me Remus._

_I've already forgotten about you._

_Sirius_

I stared down at the letter in my hands. My cheeks were soaked with new tears. I had a strong urge to rip the letter into tiny little pieces and throw them into the fire to watch them burn. But I knew I had to keep the letter, to look at it if ever my heart threatened to rule my head again. It would serve me to realize what a fool I'd been. I'd believed Sirius had loved me, all those years ago. But he had been so convincing. That was my defence, but what was the point? The damage has been done. Thoughts ran through my head.

Did he mean it?

Does he hate me?

Or does he love me and was just lying so I would move on with my life?

No, he told me himself. How could he do this to me? All those years he made me believe that he loved me, and it was all just a bit of fun to him. The worst bit is what he called me: '_a gay werewolf and, worse than that, a half-blood' _and after all those years of trying to make me believe that none of those things mattered. He hated when he kissed and touched me, yet to me that was the most magical feeling I had ever experienced.

Yet none of it made sense! If he hated us that much then why didn't he stay with his family on all the school holidays? The reason came to me in a flash, because he hated his family even more than use. Merlin that man is so full of hate, I'd be surprised if his heart wasn't as black as his name!

I only had to read the letter once for the full meaning of all the words to sink in. I stuffed it in a box under my bed which had gathered a thick layer of dust as it hadn't been touched in many years and I wasn't planning to go near that box anytime soon.

Whatever Sirius had written in his letter about me getting over him quickly, I knew I never would. Sirius face would always grin back at me whenever I shut my eyes and that was the honest truth.

**A/N Ok Sirius is some mean bastard in this! Shall I explain everything by doing another chapter or shall I make it a one shot. I'll probably do another chapter unless I am overruled. Please review because it makes my day and don't hate me too much for using some of Malorie Blackman's work!!!**


	2. Realizing The Truth

**A/N Right so this is the final chapter. Thanks for everyone who reviewed I was utterly grateful. This chapter shows Sirius was not actually a bastard as many people were upset that I had written him like that. I'm sorry if Sirius and Remus are a bit out of character but I'm not very good at writing them as adults! Sorry!!! This chapter does have a happy ending so read it, and review it!!!!!**

**Chapter 2**

**REMUS**

I stand in the doorway and stare at him. It is taking a lot of my strength to get up the courage to actually do it. I've waited 13 years and now I've got the perfect opportunity. I wanted to confront him about it last year, when I finally saw him again and finally found out the truth. But then he was on the run and I couldn't ask him about it in a letter. It wasn't personal enough. Especially because this whole thing had started because of a bloody letter.

But then he turned up on my doorstep last night, tired, hungry, alone and needing somewhere to stay. Somewhere to hide. Dumbledore had sent him, so I couldn't turn him away. But something had made me stop when I saw him. Something had made me remember the letter (as if I could ever forget!) and want to slam the door in his face and burst into tears. But I didn't. I fought with my emotions and graciously let him in. But I only let him into my home; I wasn't going to let him into my heart just to destroy it, not again.

So here I am, building up courage. Courage that I don't have. I'm holding the letter and it's burning my hand…and my heart. This _thing _has ruined my life. Whatever he wrote about forgetting him, it was never going to happen and we both knew. I thought about him every day of my life. Every waking hour my mind was occupied with thoughts of him, or happy times at school, or even us marauders, all together and happy. Back when none of us were dead, or murderers, or escaped prisoners, or broken-hearted. And whenever my mind drifted back to those care-free days, I felt my heart break all over again.

Sirius must have heard me because he turns around and grins. 'Remus!' He cries. He's been all smiles since I fed him up and he had a good nights sleep in a comfy bed. I've hardly spoken to him, just polite conversation, but he seems to want to spill his guts out to me. I doubt he even remembers the letter. He seems to have got over his hate as well, or maybe this is just another trick he's playing on me, another way to get a good laugh. I feel anger run through my veins but I push it away.

I walk over the squashy armchair he is occupying and drop the letter onto his lap. He looks down at it and his grin fades. A single 'oh' escapes his lips.

**SIRIUS**

I knew as soon as I looked at the tattered envelope what it was. So he's kept it. I thought he might have thrown it away or burnt it or something when he read it, but things seem to have a way of catching up when you least want them, don't they?

I pick the envelope up and at once regret ever writing it. I can feel the tension radiating of Remus, sitting beside me. He's waiting for my reaction, waiting for me to laugh and say it was a prank, or that I meant every word that I wrote. But that would be a lie. A great fat stinking lie.

'Why?' Remus whispers softly beside me.

I turn to look at him and shake my head, unable to find words to describe how much I regret it.

'Why did you break my heart?' He asks again, more bravely this time. 'Don't you think it was hard enough for me thinking that two of my best friends were dead and the other had killed them and was rotting in prison because of it?' His voice has risen so it is now more of a cry for help. 'Didn't you even consider that my heart was under enough torture already without you telling me that you feel sick just thinking of how you touched and kissed me?' He is screaming now and my heart feels ready to explode out of my chest. There are tears roaming his cheeks now and it takes all the strength within me not to wipe them away and hold him close to me never letting him go.

'I'M SORRY!!!' I shout finally, the anger inside me threatening to explode. I jump up from my sitting position and start to pace up and down.

He stares at me, accusation in his eyes, waiting for me to explain why I was such an asshole. I stop walking. 'I did it for you,' I finally manage to squeeze out.

He stares at me incredulously. 'For me? You thought this would help me?'

'Yes!' I cry, exasperated.

He narrows his eyes sceptically. 'You thought it would help me, by telling me that you always hated me and that it was difficult to stop yourself from laughing out loud as I 'lapped up' every word of nonsense that you 'spouted'!'

He has obviously read this fucking letter too many times. I feel like everything is collapsing. I hate myself at this moment more than I thought humanly possible. To break Remus' heart like that, if it had been someone else who had put Remus through this pain, I would have killed them by now for hurting him. But I did it.

I put my head in my hands and sink down into the old armchair. 'I wanted you to move on, to forget about me.' Remus opens his mouth to protest but I know what he's going to say already so I put my hand up to stop him. 'Please, let me finish. I thought if I wrote hateful things about you and James that you would hate me and you would throw away everything that reminded you of me so that eventually you would forget about me and move on. I didn't want you waiting and hoping for me to get out of Azkaban, because I thought it would never happen and you would have wasted your life over me. And I didn't want to be the cause of that.' Remus looks at me, stunned.

'So, is anything you wrote in that letter true?' He finally asks softly.

'Only that I'm innocent, the rest is completely lies.'

**REMUS**

Well, at least I know that he was lying. He loved me in school. But does he love me know, like I do him.

'You have to know that however hard I tried I never ever forgot you Sirius. I just spent years and years mourning over what you said about me. I even considered suicide.' The look on his face when I say that shows me he never thought I would go that far. 'But I didn't want to give you the pleasure. So I just put up with knowing that you had always hated me when I always loved you. And try as I might Sirius, I never stopped loving you. I never moved on.'

Sirius is shaking his head now. He's muttering angrily to himself. When he looks up at me his eyes are burning, but as they meet my softer eyes they immediately quieten down. 'I was a stupid bastard, I know that now. I should never have sent that letter but at that time I thought it would be best. How wrong I was.' He looks so distraught that I feel bad, but then I remember the situation and force myself to ask the question that has been littering my brain every since I realized the truth.

'Do you still love me?' I ask timidly. I force myself to look into those big grey eyes that have seen far too much pain and torture for a man his age.

He smiles, the first real smile I've seen since I gave him the letter. 'Of course I do. What do you think kept me going through all my time in Azkaban if not your face?'

I smile back and he takes my hands in his. He pulls me up so we are standing and then he leans in and kisses me. It's a soft kiss but it is so full of regret and lust. The kiss pulls me back to our school days when our biggest worry was what our next prank was going to be. And I know from that moment that all my waiting for him was not in vain. I love him and he loves me back.

**A/N Tis finished!!! Hope You like it and you all know what I'm gonna say next: PLEASE REVIEW, I WILL BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!!!!! **


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